Does your boss (or coworker) have a right to have a say in your career?

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Re: Does your boss (or coworker) have a right to have a say in your career?

Postby Nate W. » Fri Jul 14, 2017 4:11 pm

Dear Rich,

Thanks for your reply. Since this time, I have worked at a patent law firm, taught as an adjunct, and now work in investment banking. I have had to tap dance around this problem with alternative references and had to make excuses for this guy, even though nobody has said that I did anything wrong. I just don't like this lose end and would like to get it resolve, especially if there are people conducting background checks via the backdoor. Most any reasonable supervisor would at least agree to say nothing. Most reasonable Deans who knew a supervisor acting like this would at least talk with a former employee who was a victim of this person's behavior. Polite people try to resolve problems rather than enable the bad behavior by ignoring it.

Of note, the supervisor was asked to leave by the Department Head and the Dean is good friends with the supervisor. My hope with the Dean was that he could provide an explanation as to why the supervisor behaves this way and provide me with an alternative reference based on what this supervisor has written about my performance. (Explain why he wouldn't do this or even talk with me, Rich?; these guys aren't nice and don't like to be questioned by a junior person) Rich, I have numerous accomplishments and positive evaluations written by this supervisor; he will lie about these facts if it doesn't help him. This supervisor feels his employees owe him an obligation for being trained by him and that is for his employees to stay in his lab. He thinks training involves some sort of slavery commitment. I made many sacrifices and accomplished a lot of this guy, and this is how he treats former employees who helped him in his career. Fortunately, I have had many reasonable people in my career until this and know this is not normal (or I being jerked around). This situation has changed the way I view and trust potential supervisors as well as make me more appreciative of the need have more fit among team members.

I share this problem with the forum because it demonstrates that there are some people who are hopelessly unreasonable and should be trusted with your career. The only solution to deal with a narcissist supervisor is tell him what he wants to heard and then leave. You can't trust him. If you do stay and he pushes you, you can't afford not to confront because it will enable his behavior. There is where DX's advice of doing nothing and being in control of your emotional response goes wrong. The narcissist boss will push you into an emotional response if you ignore him. There is not an easy solution for dealing with NPD supervisor.

My hope is that this problem just fades away. Hopefully, some people will retire or loss their jobs. Common courtesy would be nice but I am not counting on it; I am just dealing with a bad cast of rude characters. I had all the warning signs but ignored them, trusting that the supervisor would change and that leaders would address problems reasonably and with transparency. He never didn't change and never will given his NPD (let alone even admit he has a problem). Many people with NPD are attracted to fields like academic medicine and teaching; recognize the behavior and act accordingly by leaving ASAP. These people with these behavioral attributes are hopeless and a waste of one's interaction with them.

Rich, how should I address this if someone asks for his reference?
Nate W.
Posts: 496
Joined: Fri Apr 06, 2012 6:48 pm

Re: Does your boss (or coworker) have a right to have a say in your career?

Postby Nate W. » Fri Jul 14, 2017 4:13 pm

D.X. wrote:Hi Dave,

Agreed - beating a dead horse here - I can only help others to a certain extent and well these cases represent the minority and area of challenge is trying to modify or educate one who is entrenched in certain thoughts which have become self limiting. C'est la vie.

Nate I will not respond to your last thread it is of no value. This thread for all what I believe I have tried to give my best insights based on my experience and development I think has run its course. There is nothing else here for me to share that is of value.



And I appreciate your help. Thanks
Nate W.
Posts: 496
Joined: Fri Apr 06, 2012 6:48 pm


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